Taking it up the Arse
Average Rating: 10/10 Hits: 878 Submitted: Nov 15, 2007
As I never tire of telling people, I like to start each new version of Football Manager with an ‘easy' game, a glory hunting wankathon that gets me used to the edition's new features, good players, how tactics work, and what have you. In FM 2007, I had great fun guiding Juventus back to the pinnacle of Serie A. Where the new game's concerned, I've gone to Arsenal, now ensconced as England's ‘fourth' team and with much to prove to anyone.
As I play the game, I'm checking out the workings of FM 2008, and my early impressions are extremely favourable. Sure, the skin isn't a Caravaggio masterpiece, but it doesn't make me want to rip mine eyes out, and besides I reckon discussing the game's aesthetics is sort of missing the point. I love the bit where the groundsman asks me how big I want my pitch at the Emirates to be - it's all about giving you an ever greater feeling of control, like in Premier Manager II where you got to choose what went on the stadium advertising hoardings. What next? Will I be approached by the club secretary for a bit of owzboutitluv and spend the rest of the game trying to avoid a tabloid feeding frenzy? As I use wingers, I of course go for the widest pitch possible, and I try and imagine discussing this with the groundsman. I bet if I was a respected managerial force, he'd knock on my door, shuffle in, take off his flat cap and be like ‘Excuse me Sir, could I please trouble you with the pitch dimensions please sir, if it's not too much trouble, if you're not too busy and that.' On the other hand, if I was a Conference North novice, I expect the conversation would go more along the lines of ‘Oi fucknote am I keeping the pitch the fucking same or do I have to fucking resize the twat, shit breath?'
These and other questions are yet to be answered. Other good points include the improved scouting, the range of things you can do prior to a match, and an ever greater degree of interaction with players, managers and the press. In fairness, all these elements are tweaked from previous editions. The truth is that FM has hardly changed at all, once you get past its cosmetic enhancements, making my copy little more than a £17.99 data update. Still, I can't complain. My virgin game with the Gunners has turned out to be an addictive substance, one I found myself staring at blankly at four this morning - it's a long time since I've done that.
Brian May wannabe, Fabrizio ColocciniPart of this is that Arsenal are so bloody good. I'm sure that if you were to manage Chelsea, Man Yoo or Liverpool, you'd have a team blessed with similar riches, but the Emirates entertains a superb squad. Not just that, it also has top drawer training and youth facilities, and is the closest thing I've seen to a production line of talent. As I shift 17-year olds from the Under-18s to the stiffs, and put them on full-time training regimes, I get to see the sheer depth of Arsenal's roster. It's a crime to part Arsene Wenger from the team he spent so long building, but… you know, unlucky mate.
When I take the job, I'm given some flexibility over the transfer budget. I see us as genuine title challengers, and am given £30m to spend and a weekly wage budget of £900k. It was never like this at Leigh RMI, believe me! My first problem is to settle down the players who don't think I have what it takes to manage the side. William Gallas is clearly the most unhappy, and I end up shipping him out to AC Milan for £12m. He's replaced with Fabricio Coloccini, £7.7m going into Deportivo's coffers. I also snap up Blackburn's Christopher Samba for £1.4m, a good price for a cover player.
Arsenal's biggest weaknesses are on the flanks. The fans believe Aleksandr Hleb isn't up to it, and I end up spending £15.5m on Porto's Ricardo Quaresma, having also looked over the likes of Miguel, Fernando Belluschi and David Bentley. Quaresma has fantastic numbers, but he doesn't settle in as well as I hoped, less a superstar and more a reliable stalwart who pulls out the occasional bit of magic. On the left, I go for Harry Kewell, available for £3.7m as Liverpool have transfer listed him. The cheeky Aussie wants a high wage, but he comes relatively cheaply, and develops into a decent asset.
My default 4-4-2 until the January transfer window is Lehmann — Sagna - Toure - Coloccini - Clichy — Quaresma - Fabregas - Gilberto - Kewell — Eduardo - Van Persie. With the likes of Adebayor, Hleb, Denilson and Senderos available, it's a good do for us, and Arsenal quickly establish a lead in the Premiership. By Christmas, we're top by eight points over Chelsea, and have made it past the group stage in Europe. Typically for the Gunners, vultures from other clubs are circling, and I am more or less forced to sell four players over the break. Van Persie goes to Inter for £20m. AC Milan spunk £15m on Tomas Rosicky. Free spending Sunderland give us £7m for Abou Diaby, and Gael Clichy pisses of to Valencia for £16.6m. I'm not too bothered about most of these deals, but the Clichy departure is a concern. I don't want to see my squad broken up, especially selling off the youngsters who have been carefully nurtured over the years. Still, most of them have a bit of a moan if I don't let them talk to other teams - my hands are tied in this era when loyalty means squat beyond the value of a signing on fee.
It means I can spend £20m on making Stewart Downing my first English signing, Javier Saviola joins from Real Madrid for £12.5m, and I use up a lavish £5m to add Federico Balzaretti to the squad as cover for the newly promoted Armand Traore. Previous target, Atletico's young Miguel, joins for the rest of the season on loan. At least I've spent less than I have received in transfer fees, and I'm still more than £50k within my wage budget. The post-January squad is Lehmann — Sagna - Toure - Coloccini - Traore — Quaresma - Fabregas - Gilberto - Downing — Eduardo - Saviola. There you are - a side capable of taking on any opponent, and I'm cautiously optimistic about the run-in.
At the time of writing, it's 4 February, and we have opened an 11-point gap over bloody Chelsea (they've a match in hand). Ajax are to come in the Champions League's first knockout round, and our League Cup final date is with Manchester United. Everyone seems pleased with what I've done, though I'm peeved the Board is only ‘Satisfied' about the way I have overseen a profit of over £25m this season. Ungrateful tinkers, though that's football for you.
These and other questions are yet to be answered. Other good points include the improved scouting, the range of things you can do prior to a match, and an ever greater degree of interaction with players, managers and the press. In fairness, all these elements are tweaked from previous editions. The truth is that FM has hardly changed at all, once you get past its cosmetic enhancements, making my copy little more than a £17.99 data update. Still, I can't complain. My virgin game with the Gunners has turned out to be an addictive substance, one I found myself staring at blankly at four this morning - it's a long time since I've done that.
Brian May wannabe, Fabrizio ColocciniPart of this is that Arsenal are so bloody good. I'm sure that if you were to manage Chelsea, Man Yoo or Liverpool, you'd have a team blessed with similar riches, but the Emirates entertains a superb squad. Not just that, it also has top drawer training and youth facilities, and is the closest thing I've seen to a production line of talent. As I shift 17-year olds from the Under-18s to the stiffs, and put them on full-time training regimes, I get to see the sheer depth of Arsenal's roster. It's a crime to part Arsene Wenger from the team he spent so long building, but… you know, unlucky mate.
When I take the job, I'm given some flexibility over the transfer budget. I see us as genuine title challengers, and am given £30m to spend and a weekly wage budget of £900k. It was never like this at Leigh RMI, believe me! My first problem is to settle down the players who don't think I have what it takes to manage the side. William Gallas is clearly the most unhappy, and I end up shipping him out to AC Milan for £12m. He's replaced with Fabricio Coloccini, £7.7m going into Deportivo's coffers. I also snap up Blackburn's Christopher Samba for £1.4m, a good price for a cover player.
Arsenal's biggest weaknesses are on the flanks. The fans believe Aleksandr Hleb isn't up to it, and I end up spending £15.5m on Porto's Ricardo Quaresma, having also looked over the likes of Miguel, Fernando Belluschi and David Bentley. Quaresma has fantastic numbers, but he doesn't settle in as well as I hoped, less a superstar and more a reliable stalwart who pulls out the occasional bit of magic. On the left, I go for Harry Kewell, available for £3.7m as Liverpool have transfer listed him. The cheeky Aussie wants a high wage, but he comes relatively cheaply, and develops into a decent asset.
My default 4-4-2 until the January transfer window is Lehmann — Sagna - Toure - Coloccini - Clichy — Quaresma - Fabregas - Gilberto - Kewell — Eduardo - Van Persie. With the likes of Adebayor, Hleb, Denilson and Senderos available, it's a good do for us, and Arsenal quickly establish a lead in the Premiership. By Christmas, we're top by eight points over Chelsea, and have made it past the group stage in Europe. Typically for the Gunners, vultures from other clubs are circling, and I am more or less forced to sell four players over the break. Van Persie goes to Inter for £20m. AC Milan spunk £15m on Tomas Rosicky. Free spending Sunderland give us £7m for Abou Diaby, and Gael Clichy pisses of to Valencia for £16.6m. I'm not too bothered about most of these deals, but the Clichy departure is a concern. I don't want to see my squad broken up, especially selling off the youngsters who have been carefully nurtured over the years. Still, most of them have a bit of a moan if I don't let them talk to other teams - my hands are tied in this era when loyalty means squat beyond the value of a signing on fee.
It means I can spend £20m on making Stewart Downing my first English signing, Javier Saviola joins from Real Madrid for £12.5m, and I use up a lavish £5m to add Federico Balzaretti to the squad as cover for the newly promoted Armand Traore. Previous target, Atletico's young Miguel, joins for the rest of the season on loan. At least I've spent less than I have received in transfer fees, and I'm still more than £50k within my wage budget. The post-January squad is Lehmann — Sagna - Toure - Coloccini - Traore — Quaresma - Fabregas - Gilberto - Downing — Eduardo - Saviola. There you are - a side capable of taking on any opponent, and I'm cautiously optimistic about the run-in.
At the time of writing, it's 4 February, and we have opened an 11-point gap over bloody Chelsea (they've a match in hand). Ajax are to come in the Champions League's first knockout round, and our League Cup final date is with Manchester United. Everyone seems pleased with what I've done, though I'm peeved the Board is only ‘Satisfied' about the way I have overseen a profit of over £25m this season. Ungrateful tinkers, though that's football for you.
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